Last night I was chatting with a friend about….stuff, and when she started to talk about something…., I started to freak out in panic and feeling very afraid. She talked about sexual….things, that happened to her male friend, in his childhood.

All my memory from that times is nothing but mess, but I do remember …some of it. I can’t forget bits of this….horrible memory, that did happen in my childhood. Hence the aforementioned freaking out….probably.

I decided to tell her, but in the end, when I wanted to type what I wanted to tell her, the bits of memories, horrible memories, I started to froze and feeling weird all over. My vision just turned into blank white, I can’t move, I’m trembling and can’t stop playing back those horrible memories. I was about to tell her about the experience, as detailed as I can, but I froze for how long, I don’t know.

Basically, you can say I met a man whose face I can’t remember anymore,…. doing horrible stuff to me. Twice. To the stupid young innocent me… Until I ran away and avoided him. I don’t remember who he was….

Like yesterday, I just couldn’t type that ‘horrible things’ out to her. I was feeling so anxious, panicked, sweating and…it’s just so weird.

That time…..I was around 10 years old or so. I don’t know. I do remember I got panicked and memories started flooding randomly by remembering that experience…. when I was in middle school (at the time I think I was around 12 to 14 years old). 

Last night, around 23:50 (11:50 PM), I started talking about it with my friend, but I just started to froze and feeling the symptoms I explained above, and even if I tried to force myself to tell her, the symptoms just became worse. In the end, I left my friend waiting for nothing, until I gave up around 00:35 (00:35 AM).

And even now, when I started to remember, no, even if I don’t think about it, I still feeling very scared and anxious. Is it related to the memories of it? Is it a trauma? I really don’t know. I wanted to tell somebody of these things, but in the end I couldn’t and just froze and sweating all over. I don’t know. I don’t know. 

I tried to find what did I experience, and most of the time, Google returned and showed me that it might probably PTSD or something. But this, rarely, or I think, is almost never happened before! But then again, I might just can’t remember, or because this is also the first time I tried to open up and tell my friend those memories. I don’t know.

I still feeling anxious and weird even now. When I searched about PTSD on youtube (I was looking for dumbed down symptoms explanation of it), it also recommended me a video about toxic parent. This one.

Most of the mentioned examples, is basically mirrors what my parents would do. I am having so much difficulty explaining how, but I’ll try.

For example, my parents sometimes, especially my mother, always ask me to clean her mess, while she was watching videos on her phone. Then, whenever my mother and father fights, they always forced me to listen to them badmouthing each other. “Your father is like this, blah blah.” or “Your mother is always blah, blah,” it always me or my siblings. And when my siblings still lives with us, (in my childhood), I am so grateful they dragged me out to somewhere else when my parents are fighting and cursing at each other in front of us without any care in the world. 

Then the point about “opening up to them, but don’t be surprised at ridicule”. God, this explain so much about my mother. My mother is always tried to know everything about me. But ALWAYS, what I don’t want anyone to know, if I told her about it, everyone in the family just automatically know about it. When I got a scholarship for one year being an exchange student, she boasted it into everyone in the family, all relatives knows now! And after that every relatives, even the people I even don’t know, started to ask for souvenirs from Japan!….but it was just one example, there’s way more things I don’t even want to remember.

That time, of course I got very angry and felt very betrayed by her telling all of the people about it, but she only said “Why are you so angry, I feel proud of you, see, that’s why I told them. They also prayed for your safety because I told them too, so don’t be angry, you got so many prayers,”. But just before that, she was practically begging me to not apply for the exchange student scholarship, begging me to keep staying with them, begging me to take care of them. “You are our last child, of course it is your duty to take care of us.“ My mother literally said that just before I told her about me got accepted into the scholarship program. Then she brags to everyone, while still comparing me to neighbors and strangers, people I don’t know. This is basically what she told me: “Her son went to Japan too, and he now worked there, with super salary too…. When you are rich, don’t forget to buy me things and bring me to vacations, okay?”. I was used to hearing that since I graduated high school. I didn’t know THAT wasn’t normal then. I thought it was normal and anyone’s mother will say that to their children.

Then when I was in high school. I guess, I really am a sheltered child. I just went with everything my parents and my teachers suggested me. My parents forced me into the science program in school, even though what I really was wanted at that time was going into the humanities program. I went with their choice in the end. Then, when I graduated, my teacher suggested me to go to educational engineering major for university. My parents consented to that, and I just went along with it. In the first semesters, I found out I was really bad at it. I got zero scores a lot in math, less than 30% score almost in every tests and exams. Oddly though, I got great GPA scores. I was feeling oddly betrayed.

Next year, I thought, “fuck it” and went ahead, registering myself and did the entrance exams for Chinese major in one of the best university nationally, and got accepted. My parents got totally angry and rejected me when I tried to convince them to let me go study what I wanted to study. My father said “We can’t afford that, it’s far and dangerous city out there, but as long as it’s in this city, I will accept it no matter what”.

I felt so sad and hated being forced to stay like that. But life kept going on. The next year, I got accepted into a local university that’s not very different than the university before for Japanese major. At first my parents still “but it will be such a waste, didn’t you studied engineering for two whole years already?” This time it really looks like what I really dreamed and wanted didn’t really matter to them. As long as I have a job that generates enough money for them to also enjoy, seemed what they really wanted. Anyway, it was difficult to explain to them, that I really can’t do engineering anymore. My tests scores is horrible, yet my GPA reports was great. They almost didn’t believe the truth I said. In the end, they gave up and let me do ‘whatever I want’.

Not so rare that my mother will keep bringing up something like “if you’re still at that university, you will now have a degree already… and a job, making money,”, “You’re being in the Japanese major, what kind of job will you get later? Nothing. But if you didn’t gave up on that engineering major…. you would get a good job and good money”….or something along the line. AND THEN, when I got accepted for a scholarship, she BRAGGED to everyone and even made me feel very pressured by it (like explained before). I really don’t understand.

Then the “go away but don’t leave me alone” point. THEY ALWAYS told me “go out, broaden your views, do something, don’t be like this, always be in the house. When will you go independent? You can’t do anything, why don’t you study and practice on things so you can live in the future?“ but then every time I expressed about wanting to go out of the house “Don’t! When you have troubles, who will help you? It will be expensive living separately! What if something happened to us? Who will help us? There’s no one except you now, your siblings moved out, they have their own families! Just live here with us!” Ugh. I really don’t understand. Whatever I do, it always felt so wrong in their eyes.

Then the “Accept our help but stop exploiting us” point. My parents always offer me something, but when I refuse, they bring up those ‘we’ve done a lot for you, why you’re so ungrateful’. For example, my mother always made some food WAY too much for us to eat, that it always ends up being reheated for days, and then complained to me when I didn’t eat those foods. I mean, how can I eat something, for example, a soup that turned into a slimy goopy mess? That’s not a soup anymore! One time I ate something like that and got sick instead, and my parents said “why did you ate those, isn’t it spoiled”. I don’t understand. 

When I refused to eat them, she usually say “then go make your own food! Or just go buy them! I won’t make you food anymore!” and then when I made foods myself or bought foods, she always snapped and “Why did you make/buy them? We have a lot of food, see the table, I made foods! You never ate what I cooked. Do whatever you want then,”. Really, I do not understand.

Then the “trust me but always keep an eye out” point. My mother does this always, and my father too sometimes. They really don’t give me any privacy. Every damn time I brought plastic bag into my room, my mother always ask me “what is that? what did you buy?”.

They also always force me to keep my room’s door open. “Why are you so secretive? Just open your door, no one will do anything”. But they still always went into my room without any notice, they just never knock and respect my privacy. When I locked my room, they got angry and told me to never lock my room. One time, in hot weather, because of how hot that night was, I slept naked, but then in the night, my parent (I don’t know which), opened the door I even put stuff (including a relatively heavy wooden drawer) to block it (that time I haven’t installed a lock yet), and they even  left it opened. I was naked, and the door is in opened position. After that I installed lock, and 99% of the time I am inside the room, I always keep it locked. I can’t feel safe without it being locked. And they still tried to open it forcefully. And kept saying “why are you locking you room”. Luckily, it’s a lock only you can lock/open from the inside. But because of that also, I know my parents always snooped around my room whenever I was away. And then they asked  ‘what is this’ ‘what is that’ ‘why you place that there’ ‘why you keep this inside‘ ‘why you don’t place it neatly inside the cupboard’ ‘I borrowed this from your room’ AAAAARGH I really don’t understand!

….so much irrelevant things, but whatever.

I think my stress level was heightened. Just an hour ago, I was talking with my father when my mother went “what are you two doing?” and suddenly blasted/cursing and angry at my father. Then she keep shouting at my father, while keep mentioning me, like “Just ask your son here” blah blah. At that time I felt so weird. I was way more anxious, way more pressured. My trembling got worse, and my breath was so irregular. Like I was out of breath. Not long, I helped my father move a concrete table for my mother. My mother keep demanding us to move it like this, no, make it look like this, place it like this, etc. And then she snapped and shouted at my father. My father just said “You can move it like this then”, or “If it’s unstable, just put something under its leg to make it stable.”, but my mother is just…. shouting at him, cussing at him. My father replied normally yet my mother is always triggered by the littlest thing ever. Usually in the past my father will snap back at her, but lately he never do that again, maybe too tired to even respond to her.

Then my mother asked me to help her do something. I was so tired by all the shouting she did to father, but I don’t want her to shout me too, so I helped her reluctantly. I helped her check her status on a government system she’s registered in online, because she kept saying she can’t do that by herself (even though you only need to input the number and click enter), and when it said her wasn’t registered yet, she started to shout and angry about it in front of me. Looking at me. I can’t bear it anymore and shouted “You don’t have to get angry to me!” and slammed my door shut. Again. I don’t understand. Why this happened. I didn’t even mean that. But I unconsciously did that and shouted at her. I sat on the bed and feel like crying while trembling and feeling weird all inside. I feel so odd.

Then the suicidal thoughts kept flowing and flowing around inside my head. I can’t stop the thoughts, until I snapped out of it a little later. I am so confused. I really know I wanted to just die and forget everything. But every time, there’s always something that prevent me from doing that. Everything is always wrong for me. I DONT KNOW

GOD I DONT KNOW I DONT UNDERSTAND

WHAT IS GOING ON 

EVEN WHEN MY FRIENDS WORRIED AND ASKED ME ABOUT MY CONDITION, I CANT EVEN TELL THEM ANYTHING, I CANT SAY ANYTHING BUT “IM FINE” OR “ITS ALRIGHT” EVEN IF I WANTED TO ASK FOR HELP AND EARS TO LISTEN MY MOUTH AND MY FINGERS WONT LET ME TELL

I AM CRRAZY FOR SURE

I THINK I AM MENTAL

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

this is weird

i dont know anything anymore

i want to forget everything

if there is a devil or satan or something

i want to wish i never existed

i never asked to be born

i am living right now just because i am afraid the pain of dying

if devil or satan exist

i want to ask them to destroy my body and soul

to erase everything related to me

people memories of me

my memories of them

anything related to me

because i never once thought there is a meaningful purpose for my existence

i always a burden to anyone 

i never managed to help anyone

always causes trouble

cant do anything by myself

always managed to fuck everything up

its just hopeless 

no one wants me anway

no one needs me

no one asked for my presence

all i do is just wasting everything

i am more useful dead as a fertilizer 

than livinng making trouble to others\

im sick

im tired

i wanted all of this to end

i will never understand anything

but that doesnt matter if i never existed instead

i wish for my dear friends and family will be happy without me

i am really sorry that i can never fulfill my ppromises

i am really sorry

i always ends up causing trouble

always compains

always avoiding responsibility

i am sorry

sorry

i hope you will forgive me

i hope you all for a happy future

even without me

because i know

i will only make your happiness

turned into troubles

i know you probably dont consider me as something important to you

even though i really think you all as important for me

but i really wish for you the best

i am sorry

i am sorry

i

what the hell

im confused