My mother, she’s sixty-six years old already. Of course, I do understand that there are lots of things that can’t be changed any more. She‘s so healthy, so chatty, and that might be a good thing. But those chattiness sometimes felt really stressful to me. 

For example, every time she watches those celebrities gossips or news with her new phone, given by my good brother, when she doesn’t realise I was around, she will most probably laugh. When she realised that I was around, she tried to say what she’s watching and tried to make me feel interested and watch it with her. Unfortunately, it might be very harsh, but really, all she watch are stuff that I don’t find interesting or even outright total shit in my opinion. Celebs love affairs, check, hoaxes (even if I tried to correct her she became angry instead), check, videos with robotic text-to-speech about healthy advices that has no scientific backings, check. And many others. Sometimes she saved porn videos, but then she said it was her ex-colleagues  that sent her without permission, but I could see it being saved months ago. 

I might be too sensitive or always taking things the wrong way, but sometimes it is so difficult to understand her. Just now she told me to “just wash it a little with water”, but when I did, she changed her statement to “why didn’t you wash it with the soap and just place it there (after washing with water)?”….and then she proceeded to complain and to dig out my past mistakes, or the one she consider bad about me. 

Then I mentioned that the tablewares were still dirty (horrible grimes all over), she complained that I should wash them myself. Sure, if she’ll let me do that I will. But she always still proceed to do it herself again. I wanted to move out of the house to be independent, to be able to do everything myself, but she and my father desperately rejects the idea and won’t let me. That is absolutely why I felt so free and super great when I got the scholarship to Japan. No one controlled myself, I can think logically for everything, and I don’t have to hide my true self around anyone. Here? If I even show a little of my true self, I will be called ‘heathen’, ‘sinned’, and people will tell me to ‘go pray’, ‘apologize to god’, et cetera, et cetera.

Sometimes I wish there’s no link that binds people together. I wish I can just run away and forget everything, starting my life new. But of course that is absolutely impossible. 

Those things might come as ‘little things that has no worth thinking over’, but precisely those little things, that always made me feel so bad. For example, just because of the washing thing happened just now, I felt so weird, I mean, it just intensified my worthlessness feeling. Like I barely can hear whispers from the heart, ‘she doesn’t love you’, ‘you’re so useless’, ‘she hates you’, ‘she don’t need your existence’, ‘they never planned you’, ‘you’re just an accident to them’, and stuff like that. And then I can’t stop the suicidal train of thoughts. Stupid, really. Hahaha. But it really made me sad. So sad that it’s hilarious. Hahahaha.

I’m a hypocrite. I’m stupid. I’m useless. I…. am never wanted by anyone. I am just a huge burden to everyone. Again, I can’t stop those thoughts. I can’t stop thinking that I’m more useful as a plant fertilizer, or animal foods, than being alive and waste so much resources just to keep me alive and running. This really sounds stupid, but I wish I can give my body to something else, call it ghost, soul, or anything, to make use of me better than like this. Or I wish I sacrifice myself for something or someone. Hahaha, sometimes I wish some devil would appear in front of me, and let me make a deal with him. So stupid.

Lately it’s becoming harder and harder, and I really started to feel the urgency to kill myself. I mean, you know. Letting myself alive like this really waste so much thing. CO2 emissions, foods, electricity, paper, gasoline, gadgets/electronics, they will all just be wasted. And I plan to never marry or have kids anyway, if I lived that long (laughably improbable). I am twenty-four now, but my mental is like eighteen. My kōhais felt more like adults compared to me, honestly. 

I don’t know where to go in this blog post. I don’t know what am I talking about. I feel lost. Ugh, I suddenly lost my appetite again, even though I am eating my favourite, warm and tasty instant noodle (my comfort food).

Well here it is.

If someday I unfortunately lost control of myself, and accidentally killed myself while at it, there will probably some news about it. I mean, I am extremely afraid about being in pain, or dying, but when I lost control, I sometimes did something that’s extremely dangerous, and luckily I was able to snap out of it. I sometimes remember bits of it, sometimes I can’t even remember. Like, ‘why did I bought this XXX (suicidal tool)???’, or ‘wait, when did I bought this?? (when surprised looking at online shop purchase history containing lethal poison)’. 

If anyone know me IRL, please, if I accidentally killed myself, please forgive me. For my faults over the years, for me ruining your plans, for me never pay you back nor to fulfill our promises. I am sorry…. But if I luckily kept being able to be alive, you don’t have to do that, just mention it to me (personally) and I will try to make it up for you.

I hope tomorrow will be a better day for me.