I was always been a very curious child, too curious for my own good. And that, really was… the start of my nightmares. Maybe a little hyperbolic, but this isn’t a joke, and even now I am still feeling very distressed about it.

So. I was admitted by my parents to go to a super religious, almost maniac-like religious elementary school. I was affected strongly by it, because that time, I just believes everything the teacher have said about basically anything. Our religion is the true religion, and all of the other religions are false, the followers are heathens, et cetera et cetera, I ate them whole without any doubt. That was why I have a lot of regrets, regrets about what I did in the past, when I was way much more stupid and ignorant of everything.

For example, there was a time when I and my friends from the same school, met some cool kids from another schools in the public swimming pool. We were so close, we played together, laughing, and happy. However, one day, my friend asked or was it…doubting about their religion? Forgot. But, that was the beginning of one of my regrets. Basically we started to badmouth each other out, calling names just like our ‘religious teacher’ taught us, and we never met again. Or maybe we met, but never realised or remembered about each other. I really regretted that, and for whatever reason I really do start to get away from believing the existence of those ‘benevolent’, hypocritical god.

Of course, around 3 years into the school, I feel so uncomfortable and started to lose my faith. I mean, I never see any point in remembering those ancient holy books, nor do I feel god exists. Maybe I don’t understand what I feel at that time, however, I was sure it was kind of doubt and unwillingness to do prayers and other stuff.

Anyway, few years after that. Maybe when I was around ten or eleven years old. It’s been quite long since, me and my friends started to get interested in sexual things. We sometimes go to the internet cafe, even though it’s mostly for playing games, at times we also see erotic pictures, like basically softcore and even hardcore porn. That was the beginning of my nightmare.

I was too pure of a child, I easily trust people, believing in people, that I was duped or been lied to so much…or at least that’s what I think. The most horrible thing happened, when I was super curious about sex, that I started to join an online forum about different kind of things. I was reached by a man, that seemed to be way, way older than me. At that time, I do have my personal cellphone, so I was stupidly gave it to the man. I was then reached out, and he said something like he will help me know better about sex. I was so ecstatic, just because of how I was a super curious child. 

Oh boy, it was a mistake to meet him. I remember the bits of the experience, but basically I became a victim of a child sexual abuse. I still get flashback and the chills when I try to remember it, or when it is triggered, but it’s somewhat better now. Anyway, I was….brought into a hotel, and was offered a porn movie, and then…. I was… violated and forced to…please him. I guess. I… I…. my heart felt so in pain right now, so basically something like that. I can’t tell any more than this, because I don’t want to trigger the trauma. I was forced to do his biddings on two occasions. In the end, I was feeling horrible, and I ran away by changing my phone number and never to contact that man ever again. Luckily, he never asked nor do I ever told him where I lived, my school, or any important personal information (except for my nickname), so I was able to get away.

That moment really was the point of time I started to have mental health problems. I started to be a pessimist, having low-esteem and all. I didn’t really understand back then, but it was just the start. Even though I was a super happy, very social kind of a child, but after that I gradually get worse, worse, and worse. It happened continuously, and with more things to care about, things to be stressed about, I turned into a super pessimist, depressive, suicidal kind of adult. I really don’t think that the sexual abuse experience is what changed my life for the worse, but I believe it is one of the bigger thing that helped me turn into this a person with this kind of mentality. It’s just kind of difficult to think and make sense about this, because all I can remember are bits of what happened at that time. But the fact doesn’t change that it is a traumatic experience for me. 

I really don’t want to tell my shameful past, but if I feel like I’m going crazy if I keep bottling it up like that. I was even losing my control, really trying to kill myself just the other day. I…wasn’t very surprised, because it does happen periodically for me, but it happened a lot lately and it does troubling me because it caused me to not be able to concentrate on my thesis and assignments. So I have reached some places, online before this, to let out a little of my steam, and boy, it really does help. Telling people about what you’re thinking about, what you’re feeling sad or scared about, it just like pushing the volume button down on the TV remote twice or thrice. My almost-going-to-explode bottle, leaked its pressure a little. I feel some of the stress escaping me and letting me breathe a little easier. The flashback that causing me to breath irregularly, freezing and sweating, reduced in frequency and intensity, so fast after I was comforted and was told that it wasn’t my fault at all and cried.

Not that I am now super healthy mentally, I still do have depression and mental issues, but at least now I am feeling alright with participating in university activities and projects, and I am now able to continue working on my thesis and assignments. Still with the occasional suicidal thoughts, but at least I haven’t got any impulses that made me lose control, intensifying my willingness to kill my own self.

Not very related, but lately, I’ve been craving Japanese alcohols, and unfortunately it’s banned here. Like FFS those religious freaks really can make me go so mad. And I still do have something like, um, excessive sleeping and tiredness like I almost having hypersomnia condition.

Okay, enough with unrelated stuff. Bye. Hahaha.