I started to think of nonsenses. Like about this world. Or humans. Gods. Or…whatever.

I think the beings called human are so puny and insignificant. Irrelevant to whatever the gods do. Maybe the world we know is just some kind of petri dish, or aquarium, or a simulation, or whatever. And our existence isn’t something that is significant enough for them to care about us.

Why are there a lot of concept about souls? We never saw any, we didn’t think those exists. But maybe they do.

I love to think the souls as something like what we call a main processor. And then the humans, the living beings, nature, brains, etc is just a stored data on helper processors, memory, storage drives, etc. They are just simulated  for some kind of purpose. Maybe like in their world, there this kind of disease they can’t understand, so with the help of the simulated worlds, they might find the answer. Or maybe our world is just for show, because the ridiculous and hilarious things happened here, it wouldn’t be weird to call it something like a personal entertainment for the higher beings. Or even, maybe they want to take the achievement in this little worlds, like the literatures, arts, or even the uniquely generated technology concepts. I don’t know, but logically thinking, it doesn’t seem to be too far fetched.

Or may be we are just those higher being having fun by jumping into this world. Virtual reality, anyone? Reminds me of ‘そらのおとしもの’. That stupid funny manga.

Lately, I don’t feel pain, itch, or any sensory stimulation as something real. It felt like it’s fake. It felt like a really thin surface stimulation. It doesn’t feel….real. I don’t feel like it’s truly hurt, or itch, or anything. I don’t know if this is me being crazy or what.

I do think this world is kind of interesting and fun, at times. But I don’t want anything anymore. I love my friends, and maybe loved them too much sometimes, I felt hurt thinking that I will never see them again. But of course, I don’t know if they will feel the same way about me,…. but if they really do, and I killed myself, causing miseries to anyone feeling that way,…. I can’t think anyone except ….sorry. 

Lately I always wished for this to stop. Feels like my two thoughts merged into one. The separate suicidal and crazy one, merging with the meek, timid, and scaredy-cat one, into this confused, scared, suicidal one that is typing right now. At first the suicidal one sometimes took over and the timid one doesn’t even realise that. And then suddenly the timid one woke up and scared of the other one because he almost killed themselves.  But now, I felt like we are merging together. Feeling a little bit scared and unsure, but also feeling that suicide is such a normal thing, and actively desired my own end. Maybe just like a writer who can control their own characters into whatever they want. Just imagine me as a writer, pity the character I made, and then wanted for it to just end. What am I talking about.

If I ever tried to kill myself, I with either I failed completely, or better to be killed completely without any hope of survival. I don’t want to be a vegetable, sorry.

Of course, if I was dead, I am sorry for breaking promises, destroying others’ life and running away from my responsibility.

I am insignificant, and even if my time stopped, yours still running and don’t need to mind this puny one. Just live your life. I truly wished so too. 

I wished that so much that sometimes I wish devil existed, and just like Faust, I wished to make a deal. Like, the devil can do whatever they want, as long as I cease to exist. But unfortunately, how much I wished for it, it’s just a story and no more.