According to WebMD, atypical depression is a subtype of major depression or dysthymic disorder that involves several specific symptoms. 

It is said that a person with classic major depression has at least five from the following nine symptoms:

• Sadness or depressed mood most of the day, or almost every day
• Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable
• Major change in weight (gain or loss of more than 5% of weight within a month) or appetite
• Insomnia or excessive sleep
• A state of physical restlessness or being rundown that is noticeable by others
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost everyday
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day
• Problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt.

For atypical depression, the difference is that if there is something positive happened, you will see mood improvement, while melancholic depression, even if there are positive things, the mood won’t change much. It is said, there are criteria of at least two of these four symptoms for an atypical depression.

• Sleeping too much (hypersomnia)
• Increased appetite or weight gain
• Having a more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships
• Having a feeling of being weighed down, paralyzed, or “leaden”

To be honest here, I at least can somewhat understand what my condition is. Let’s begin with the major depression symptoms first.

• Sadness or depressed mood most of the day or almost every day → Not always
• Loss of enjoyment in things that were once pleasurable  → Yes. Most of the time I do realise that I feel no fun in doing things that used to make me happy before.
• Major change in weight (gain or loss more than 5%) → Yes. I was around 53 kg in March, now I’m 49 kg. (5% of 53 kg is 2.65 kg = 50.35 kg is the limit of 5% loss)
• Insomnia or excessive sleep almost every day → Yes. Definitely yes. Irritability arises when I didn’t sleep for at least 10 hours a day, and I always having real trouble sleeping at night.
• A state of physical restlessness or being rundown that is noticeable by others → Not always, but yes. How many hours I slept, I usually always feel so tired and unwell. And some of the time, people always notice that I look unwell and tired. Or maybe they get used to me being that way that they think it is normal? I’m not sure about this one.
• Fatigue or loss of energy almost every day → Totally. Maybe a little energy boosts after eating good food or drink, but after that everything just crashing down into the usual tiredness and lack of energy.
• Feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness or excessive guilt almost every day → Yes, yes and yes. I feel I will never have a good future, or I am useless and me being dead have more uses than me being alive. And then I always regret and felt sorry for my wrongdoings. Even if I don’t admit it, it always haunted me. I can never even remember what goods I did in the past, it’s always mistakes, wrongdoings, me being hard-headed, me being self-centered, me being too stupid, etc.
• Problems with concentration or making decisions almost every day. → Definitely. I always find myself stopped having attention to whatever so fast that I’m having so much trouble listening to teachers’ lectures. And about making decisions, I rarely can decide for myself, even if I tried, usually it ends up with not doing any.
• Recurring thoughts of death or suicide, suicide plan, or suicide attempt. → Absolutely yes. Every night before sleep I always, unstoppably, wishing for my own death, like “I hope I won’t wake up tomorrow” or something similar. Then I imagines which way of dying I can be. Then in the day, even with my dear friends and family, I always find myself to think about suicide plans. And some of the time, I also feeling very motivated to prepare for my own …death.

And then for the atypical depression symptoms.

• Sleeping too much (hypersomnia) → Less than 10 hours sleeping isn’t enough for me. 
• Increased appetite or weight gain → Not right now, but I was, when I was in Japan (like 47 kg into 52 kg)
• Having a more intense reaction or increased sensitivity to rejection, resulting in problems with social and work relationships → Definitely yes. I feel extreme paranoia and very sensitive to rejections. I am really afraid that I will do something that would cause my friends to turn away from me, to hate me, to never listen and laugh with me ever again. Even my friend jokes felt very painful in my chest sometimes. I know it is just a joke, but I still felt extreme pain in my heart. And then I always find myself having difficulty expressing my desires. However much I decided that I will tell my thoughts to someone else, it almost always end up never being told at all. “I will definitely tell them I wanted to go here with them next time”—-na-ah, never told them about that.
• Having a feeling of being weighed down, paralyzed, or “leaden”→ Most of the time. Feeling like shit, and can’t even walk straight. It just felt like my body weighing me down, there is a weight chained into my arms and legs. Even a jog for five seconds really drains me. Sometimes made me feel like falling down from the gravity pulling me so strongly. Hell, even I rarely can keep my neck straight. Either my hand or any kind of wall or something supports it, or letting my head dangle around.

With that, I think it is reasonable to think that I have both depression. I think it is safe to conclude that at least I have some kind of depression. I sometimes even think that I might be bipolar. Some of the time I would go so happy without strong reason, but after a while suddenly it just goes so low that even hearing about someone dying or dead made me feel so envious. Yes, even when my cousin that I loved and respect so highly, passed away, I felt shock while regretting that it wasn’t me instead. I sometimes even unconsciously wishing for a chronic disease like she had before passing away. I know it is terrible and very disrespectful to her and every one who really sad for her death, but it just appear naturally in my mind and I can’t even stop them. And then I just accepted the thoughts, and that is just why I never feel any guilt when I am having super unhealthy meals or starving myself—deep down I wish I got extremely horrible disease from that. But do you know why I did that instead of just killing myself directly, which would be faster and easier? It is because what I desire is death, not pain. 

It felt a little better writing these things up. 

Do you know how I think myself being worthless and useless? I can never do anything right, every time it will always ends up people being disappointed in me, angry at me, because I can never do anything properly. I even feel, if I am dead, at least I can be a nutrition to animals, or when rotten to the plants. When I read those stories with slaves in them, sometimes I wish I was a slave. Even if I were to be abused, at least I will feel needed and doing something for them. Okay, this is very disrespectful to people who experienced that and think that it is very horrible. I just have an extreme desire to be used and be useful, to be desired.

To be desired. I always feel that…I’ve never even been desired or wanted by anyone at all. I feel that even if I went away, gone, or dead, everyone will still be happy and never care about my existence. If I am dead, I think it will take weeks before they find out, or probably even never.

Sometimes I also desire something. I really wish that I had someone so close, someone that really cares about me, to let me hug him/her, listening to my rambles, letting me cry inside their warmth. But then again, that kind of person will never exist. I hope he/she does, but … at least here, I am very doubtful about that. Or is it because I am having trouble with physical contact with others? I don’t know.

I don’t know.

But for me who can’t even do meaningful things to others, I am sure I will never find people like that, people that really care, accept me for who I am, and let me feel their love for me. But I can’t even love anyone again. I just stop being able to fall in love since more than ten years ago. That time I was so easily fell in love with …that person, got rejected, saw them together, and got heartbroken. And then I started to feel those suicidal feelings that…never really went away. And even with how attractive and lovable anyone is, even if I think I am attracted, I can never start to love (romantically) to them, even if I forced myself to do so. It always begin like “I want to get close to that person, I want to be with that person’s side, helping and making them happy”—and then “But what can I do to them that they can’t do? I will just turn into a baggage, a useless thing to them. They will be able to do what I’ll ever be able to do, and better to boot.”….and everything ends. That is why, if anyone asked me about when do I think I will marry someone, I will  answer vaguely, or if I trust the person asking, I will answer, probably never. Even if I did marry someone, I can’t even bear having children born into this painful and cruel world. I‘d rather never see any of them born than letting them experience pain and sadness just for, just because I wanted their company.

It is just like the hypocritical gods written in books, they say god made us so we must do good to go to heaven, or else hell will be all you get. But then they say angels were created to never disobey god. So if the god can create something that can never disobey them, why create humans that can think and do whatever they want, if in the end the god will punish them for that,  even thought it is their fault for making humans like that. It just doesn’t make sense to me. Either god doesn’t exist, god created us accidentally, god created us for fun, or god created us but then just forgot and left us do our things and never to care ever again. It’s just like, you know, that life simulation game that was so popular it got tons of expansions that cost hundreds or thousands of dollars to get them all. You create the world and the humans, having fun by directing them to do what you want, or watching them do their own stuff, and then sometime you got bored, and never open that family ever again. 

I am sorry if you believe in them. I just….can never again now. I don’t like the idea of heaven and hell. I can do those things they told us to do, only if without the threat. Then if they threat me with heaven and hell? Then do whatever they want. Burn me, kill me, put me in hell or whatever. If god existed, it was them who created me this way, so it would be very hypocritical if they punishes me for me being what he made me to be. That way of thinking is also why I don’t feel guilty for wanting death to myself.