I know it was just yesterday that I am certain that I got a depression issues. But today when I really trying to take note of everything (not that goodly), I just realised on how bad I got eating problems. Now thinking back, I feel this has been going for quite a while, actually. Maybe few months back?

Today I just realised that the food I really love and enjoy,… tasted nauseating, and end up just eating a spoon. It was just because when I tried to take the second spoon, I just felt like vomiting, so I stop. But even then, I have no problem drinking a soup, or drinking beverages. Solid food just tastes horrible and very nauseating. But I don’t feel that much difference than the other days.

I’m as sleepy and as tired as any other day, and I can walk and do stuff like usual, just not eating. Eating felt really comforting before, but yes, really, I just snapped out of it and it seemed tasty foods really doesn’t taste that good to me. I used to eat a whole lot, well, a regular rice meal and huge amount of snacks and fruits in between. My memory is bad, but my appetite problem has started way earlier than just last month. Is my chronic disease coming?

Oooh! Got something for me? (gasp) Is it chronic disease?!!

Just kidding. But still, I’d rather have that than some little stomach and digestion problems, because that way I don’t have to kill myself ahahahaha ?

Also, in the last post, I also mentioned that I really have really horrible sleep even if I slept long hours. Today I slept for around 10 hours, and I woke up because my parents going to go on a great-family gathering, so they just feel I need to know before they went. Of course I wanted to sleep again, but I just felt so thirsty, that I can’t sleep again. And as usual, I was very sleepy and tired. Not too tired to be awake, but definitely sluggish and feel like dragged down by the gravity. Did something or someone haunts me? I read to much mangas hahaha. I ordered some Thai tea delivery, but I dropped them. It sucks balls because I really wanted them, but it fell because I didn’t realise that the deliverer tied the plastic bag not very tightly, and the second I received it from him, it just slipped off of my hand. I hurriedly moved the drinks into glasses, and luckily there wasn’t much loss. I felt hungry too, so I made some warm instant ramen that I really love and enjoy eating. Even though the drink and the soup tasted so good and made me relaxed a little, the mushroom and the noodles doesn’t taste good at all. And I even loved the noodle way way more than homemade or special or restaurant noodles that my friends swore it tasted heavenly. 

But anyway, I guess I’ll be waiting for anything to happen, hahaha. 

I hate being home alone, but I also love it. I hate being paranoid that even the littlest amount of noises made me so afraid someone trying to rob my house. But maybe I can get them to kill me too in the process? ? And I love being home alone because I can sing however loud I can and I won’t bother anyone else. I just love singing you know! Not that I can sing fluently, it is just I feel that when I sing, some of my stress went away with my voice. Or something like that.

I wanted to sing with my friends again. I wanted to listen to them singing, relax, and laugh with them. I really wanted to laugh with someone. I guess I’m just so lonely. But that isn’t possible because I hang around my friends almost every few days. And I spend my time talking and laughing with them. 

Maybe what this tells me is that, I really don’t have anyone to share secrets with. I still don’t have anyone that I really think won’t turn on me when I told them my deepest secrets I got. I really love my friends dearly, but it doesn’t mean they hold the same feelings towards me. I just very awkward and always ends up doing something that hurts them. I guess I just wanted to be noticed, to make them see me, but what I did is just plain annoying and rude. I wish I can restart my life….but wait, that isn’t going to happen even if I sacrificed my life. 

I really wish extraordinary supernatural entity does exists. Like demons, or kami-sama that will grant my wish in exchange of my soul when I die, or something similar. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just that desperate.