A while ago I posted some shōnen-ai manga page screenshots over at my instagram story close friends list. Not whole bunch of them responded, but some replied with love emoticons, or something like “I never saw any male that loves those kinds of mangas” and then proceed to explain that usually males love girl-on-girl action than boy-on-boy. Sure, sure, you can call me weird or anything, because I am.

Actually, I loved mangas so much that I read almost everything I can find. Gay? Lesbian? Transgender? Straight or LGBT themed age-restricted mangas? Even gore and bondage, I read them all. It’s not I am attracted to males or females, or loving gore and/or bondage. If I think it is interesting, if I liked it, then there I can’t stop being interested or liking it. Maybe it‘s just like straight men being naturally attracted to women? I’m just like that with something inside some mangas. I’m just naturally drawn and came to love them just like that. Maybe? Because I never really understood love and attractions that much. Maybe I shouldn’t easily say that it was the same as something I really don’t understand. 

But as an adult male, albeit childish and self-centered and hard-headed like a freaking kid, within romance genre I really love gay themed manga more than anything else. Because the main characters are usually (like 99%) are male, I can easily relate to them and sometimes it really made me wonder if I’m not gay hahaha. Shōjo manga for me is pretty annoying as fuck, like the main character is just way too unlikable most of the time. Not all, but most of shōjo mangas. Reading them just irritates me. Then there is shōjo-ai (or yuri). I liked some of them just because of the extreme cuteness, but find it hard to relate. Sometimes I also hated them though, because it reminded me of my female friends that refused to let me talk because that was “an exclusive girl talk”. I don’t like it when people do this “girl-only talk” or “boy-only talk”, but I accepted it, because I can’t make them let me join nor do I wanting to force them.

Aaaanyway, I‘ve read those kind of mangas since forever. But hey, before you came to me and spouting stuff like “disgusting, gay!”, I never even know my sexual orientation for sure. I mean I have experience being attracted to both sexes in the past, even though it just stopped for a long while now. 

I never really confirmed this myself, because I never been in any relationship ever, at all. In my childhood and school years I’ve liked and attracted to some girls, that they made my heart felt so fuzzy and warm. Those girls really doesn’t like me or see me that way, —my chest is just full of pain thinking about it. And the other girls just someday gone and I never saw them again. One time a girl confessed to me, asking for me to be her boyfriend, but I didn’t really know her well, nor do I have the confidence to make her happy, so I rejected her. (just before the time I stopped being able to get attracted so much to a person, explained next paragraph) Then sometime later, I met my childhood friend, her getting so pretty and cute now, made me think of her all day and feeling pretty embarrassed about my past. But I never had the guts anyway, so I never talked to her again. But she was very cute and really, I wanted to hug and have her by my side, in my mind. And then sometime after I found this girl that I felt “aah, If it was her, being married and having a family doesn’t seem to be so bad”. But I know she has someone she love, and again, I don’t have any guts, so I let it pass. I mean! There is almost no reason that came up to my mind for anyone to like me!

It just never came to me, but I knew this one guy that I could never forget. This happened just around that time a girl confessed to me. Anyway, at first encounter, I was pretty awkward with him, but then he started to be pretty cheerful and always be kind toward me. He was like, I don’t know, around five to ten years older than me maybe. He openly told me that he’s gay. I was weirded out at first, but then I think he’s really a good guy, and it is just stupid that anyone can hate him. Then time has passed, even though I never thought any male this way, but I started to feel really happy when I am around him. I don’t know, it felt pretty good listening him talking and laugh. I really never think about it, but then another guy around my age started to hang around together. I like talking and listening to both of them. Then I realised that that other guy is bisexual, and then the guy I think I liked started dating with the bisexual guy. Then something inside me snapped and I started to feel chest pains that I thought caused by jealousy. I really feel like “I know him first, I thought he acted that way only with me” or something like that. I then told the guy about my feelings a roundabout way (I was very stupid and jealous, never thought about the consequences), but of course, he doesn’t get it. I started getting suicidal, and then the other guy started disliking me and I…never been able to meet or contact either guy after that. But it was after this that I don’t think I can ever be attracted so much to a person, male or female… Maybe because of the strong rejection and being hated made me feel so pained that I (unconsciously) shoot down any chance for me to experience the same thing. I don’t know if it was love or not, but I honestly, really liked the guy,

Then, a few years back, I was really close to this girl. She was pretty adorable and I though her just like a little girl and younger sister. Few years later, one of my friend told me that she really think that the little girl, at one point really liked me romantically. I was really surprised because I never thought her that way. But this time it felt alright, albeit a little sad like this. Well, I always been very dense, so maybe that’s the cause. Now that I think about it, sometimes I do invite her to some meal just the two of us, like when there’s a group meeting, or when I hang out with her. Maybe I was very unreasonable and too stupid to realise.

Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I bisexual? I never know about it. Maybe if someone, that I think really serious about me, asked me out, I might try going out with them and find out. No matter what gender, as long as I’m not hating the person, as long as the person is not that great at pushing my buttons (making me feeling annoyed I mean), honest, will hug me, and not someone I consider something else. But of course, when I think about those extremist that keep asking to ban LGBT or killing them or having them criminalised, something around that bullshit, I can’t help to be afraid about any of this.

Maybe because in the past I thought I liked a guy that I can relate so well to shōnen-ai mangas? 

But then again, I also usually like to read seinen or josei romance mangas. They are much more realistic and easier to understand than the logic defying stupid shōjo mangas that I consider as total shit now.

But reading modern romance stuff is pretty painful for my heart sometimes. Even though I tried to think progressively, some of my heart really think other way. Like casual-sex or open relationship themed stuff. I mean, damn, they really made me feel so much pain in the heart. I really hate when people have sex with other that easily. I really hated it. One night stands—I can never like. Maybe because I never done it before. But the image of having someone you love, or have relationship with, having sex with other person is just too painful for me. Almost every time I read those stuff, I feel empty and pained. This includes those horrible batshit NTR stuff. I always relate to the does-not-have-sex-easily protagonist, and imagined if I was him/her, I would probably really kill myself regardless of anything. I don’t think I can bear seeing or knowing my dearest person having sex with just about anyone else. Do it with the special person you truly love, duh. Well maybe I can understand some people do that to forget something else, or those people are just plain slutty. But still. That shit is truly horrible, man.

Anyway, this post is truly very random and I just suddenly wanted to write all of this. Okay. Bye. Haha.