I joined the mandatory University activity about helping and supporting people in the less developed places. It’s like helping them develop and make them have a new way of thinking, or a new way of changing themselves for the better. I don’t know what I’m talking about. Haha.

Anyway, I was finally forced to bear a responsibility to lead a smaller group for a village. It is said that this position will bear the most heavy/burden compared to other positions.

The one thing I really hate is that, people just expect me to be the leader because I was male and probably, older than them. However I tried to reject, they won’t say anything, and stared at me like they’re saying “it won’t be anyone but you” with their eyes. Well it definitely stressed me quite a bit. I am kinda weak to the pressure like that.

In the end, with me trying to use random chances with a lottery, the shitty god I hated chose me to be the group leader. Or maybe, in every gacha (lottery/random chances games) nowadays I am really unlucky, very very unlucky. Like I have no more luck I can use in this life. I don’t know.

It’s not like I’m desperately didn’t want to be the leader or what. It is just….I kinda don’t want to do it, AND I am not even sure I won’t cause any trouble to anyone by being it. I mean, I don’t even have a stable mental conditions. Today I might feel fine, tomorrow I might feel ecstatic, and after that I might feel suicidal and tried to kill myself again. I am a little to unpredictable to bear such responsibility.

And what’s more. The job really needs me to be (1) social; (2)  assertive; (3) healthy; and (4) responsible. I am have neither of them. I am kinda anti-social. I really hate to talk to strangers, and most of the strangers here usually will casually, and heavily disrespect others‘ privacy. And I also am not assertive at all. I don’t have the power to persuade or force or manipulate people to do what I wanted them to do. Gosh, I really aren’t convincing to lead them at all. And I’m not physically and/or mentally healthy at all. My body is weak, will tire easily, and will crumble upon pressure. My mind…..as I’ve always said, isn’t stable, dangerous, and I guess pretty much in horrible conditions. Then, I am not responsible at all. I mean, I can’t even fulfill my promises, my responsibility within the regular course for my major. I can’t even fulfill my own responsibilities within my home and families. I just…. can’t…..

But they’ve forced me to do this. That bro and that girl was asking me nicely to be the leader, sure, I am thankful for their opinions. But, the minions-like-girls, not the comical yellow minions, literally peon-mentalled kind, seemed to be the kind of people that groups together and badmouth others. They will not say anything productive, they will not do anything to help, they will not be someone who‘s irreplaceable in any place. At least that’s what I’ve seen so far. People with no opinions, and yet will easily bring others down just for making them feel a little threatened. Those kind of people. Say what I want, but those kind of people who’s really weak to mass pressure like them, I really hate it. They does look like those people, that might have a religion or beliefs, that entered the “extremist” religion just because they were the minority, and they think they need to be the majority to have a good life.

I really wanted to say “I’m mental!”, “I’m abnormal!” and “I’m the one you called ‘heathen’!”. But….. I don’t want to made the people that were kind to me, to hate me instead. So I can’t say that right there. Those peon-like people that always protested and mindlessly say “the leader must always be the same religion as us!” for sure will reject me as the leader, but I can’t compromise. I, maybe, just don’t have the guts to do all  of this.

If my conditions worsen too much, and killed myself, leaving you all with the responsibility, don’t blame me okay. I’ve already said that I can’t do this. And by pressuring me to do this, you basically pushed me another step, into the suicide door that’s not so far away to begin with. I might really kill myself if the pressure is just too much for me to bear. I mean, all of this really pushes me into the suicide door, just a few steps away. Really. I even skipped today’s class, because I thought “I will not be alive later anyway, going to class or not going will not be any different”.

I will feel sorry for my family and friends, if I killed myself…for betraying them and for not fulfilling our promises and their wishes. I feel sorry even right now. Not that I will kill myself right now, but still…. hahaha.

Oh well. Still, I can’t wait to be free.

Edit (25 of May):

My friend told me that, in his group happened similar case. He said the girls there are ‘masculinist’, that will choose someone as a leader just because he’s a man. It’s so similar to me, as those girls….kept insisting for a male to be the leader/core team member. It made me sad, because as he also said, his way of thinking (and probably mine too), is skewed to feminism. I mean, I understand, I also think women can do the same if not better than what men can do. Maybe not all, but it‘s not about gender, but more about skill and experience in my opinion. And yet those girls… chose the core team based on gender. Those kind of females….are extremely scary. I’m scared of them and I hate that fact. But, why should you care, it’s just an insignificant opinion of this stupid and crazy guy over here.