Okay. I felt a little calmer and snapped out of that crazy….ness. It’s kinda common for me lately to have those kind of crazy moment, but still, I am kinda afraid if anything happened beyond my control. I might hurt my family, hurt my friends, or even kill myself. No, I will not delete what I’ve posted just today. 

This day was so crazy that I, without much control, even prepared for my own death. I made notes about my ID and passwords of my personal accounts, about my bank accounts, my investment account, etc. It’s crazy, but weirdly, I think that is natural. I don’t know, maybe I really, really wanted all of this to end. Even I’m trying to think that the notes isn’t normal for me to made, but I kept thinking, “that is totally alright”. Odd.

Anyway, just now I took some test on my mental health online. I know it won’t substitute a professional therapist, but at least I have a hint on what possibly do I have. Even if I asked my parents they won‘t let me go anyway. Either they think it’s wasteful to spend the money for me, or just don’t believe that I really have them. People here just don’t care that much about mental illness. They think it’s just a fantasy and you can fix anything as long as you ‘deal with it’ or ‘be strong and don’t be a wimp’. Of course I believe there is such things. Mental illness is a thing. If I don’t acknowledge it, then I must be truly crazy. 

Anyway, I tried to answer all the questions truthfully, and it showed the results. I might really have major depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder and…. a post-traumatic stress disorder. The full result graphs are below.

And then below is the detailed explanation about the results.

Okay, there it is. If anything happened to me, at least this information can be proven useful. Maybe? I don’t know. But I guess the score for those three disorders…kinda high, you know? I might tell someone about my conditions. I think I really trust outsiders (non-family/blood related relatives) more than my own family. Hahaha. I mean, I don’t have to fear being rejected at all. Because I only have one family after all.

Anyway, I think with this kind of results (as said before, high scores), I might really have them. I don’t know if the more score I get indicates how severe the disorder is, but I think I do have at least mild panic disorder too. I wanted to tell this to someone, but sometimes it’s just too difficult to find the one who really care. I mean, since around the time I experienced the traumatic…event, I think I really do build walls around myself. I do just only realized now that I really never made friends as close and intimate as when I was in elementary school. I really don’t have really close friend I can share secrets with. I have close friends, but,… I am not even sure if it’s really close. It’s been too long since I really have super duper hyper close friend. I am pathetic for sure. Oh well.

I can’t stop making bad decision.

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Edit: I also tried to do another test from another website. Here it is.

Edit again: I told her but it didn’t help me. She gave me her results with 100% bipolar instead. I feel sad that it made me think: All I’ve felt so far is just not important enough or not significant enough. I mean, she’s like that yet she had horrible bipolar tendencies….not that it’s what the professional therapist decided, just a normal, online, test. Maybe everything was just an illusion… maybe I’ve been hallucinating all along… I am so stupid. I am insignificant and I am just a nobody.