Yes, maybe I am way too entitled. I might’ve always been taking everything for granted. From my own perspective, it’s not clear at all, I don’t realise it at all.

This morning, when after I went to take a bath, my mother again, complained that ‘I used the bathroom even though she’s going to clean it first’……yet she’s keep playing around her phone all day long. Rotten foods and stuff, she never throw them away until it started to make the whole house smell bad. She complained that she just didn’t have the time to clean it all. She said all of it while watching videos or playing around with her phone.

But, really. All of that might be just my own excuses. Or the explanation I am about to do after this, too, might be excuses. Here they are. I have trouble doing something when I wasn’t asked for it. For example, my mother complained that I never helped her clean the house. I never did, because she never asked for my help. When I tried to do it voluntarily, either she complained angrily that I moved her stuff, messing everything up or cleaning everything  ’the wrong way’ (basically different from the way she would like me to do it) or she acted like I don’t have to do it all because she’s going to do it later. And….because of that, I just hated doing everything voluntarily for her around the house. Either way no one is going to thank me anyway. More often than not, being complained by her for trying to help. It’s basically a complain about my own mother. How hypocritical. (is it the right word for it?)

I don’t have many complaints about my father, but I really dislike it when he tried to force his way of thinking (basically extremist religion way) onto me. Or complained about my way of living. Actually, not really with my father. With basically my whole family.

And now I can’t stop having the thoughts about my suicide plan. It’s so difficult. I am blessed with family, I can go study to higher education, I can eat meat, I have lovely friends, I can read and enjoy things. But somehow everything felt empty sometimes. Everything felt so meaningless. So tiring. So confusing. I like being happy, but then when it stops, it just felt so heavy. They say ‘there is happiness because of sadness existence’, that is true. Everything in this world is based on binary oppositions. Pain and comfort. Healthy and sick. Big and small. Male and female. Light and dark. Hot and cold. And many, many more. At times, I really wish that it didn’t exist. If all I feel was only pain all along, I will not realise that it is something undesirable at all. Maybe just like a famished slave from birth. They never knew happiness nor freedom. They might feel sad and limited, but because they never knew what it is to be happy and free, they don’t know that it felt painful.

I am so stupid. I don’t know what I’m thinking about anymore.