I don’t know if I am stressed or anything. Well, maybe, but I usually try not to think about it and just doing things that keep me happy. However, I got this horrible mood swing that I almost can’t control lately.

For your information, I’ve been suicidal since I was around twelve years old, if I remember correctly. I was, in a way, a rather different child. I have weird way of thinking, so sometimes I just blurt out the most cringiest thing and didn’t realise until my friends or anyone else notices how weird that was. I’m never said I have become a normal person. I guess you can refer me as quirky, odd, weird, peculiar, eccentric or somewhere along the line.

One time, me and my friends were talking about super powers. My friends were, saying things like ‘the power to control gravity’, ‘teleport’, or something X-Men like abilities. You know what did I said that time? I said ‘the power to gather all body impurities and dirt into one solid shape’. You understand now? Good.

Anyway, I was always being that kind of person, but that’s not all. I was also very negative person. Introvert and timid. Never did I think about anything positively. I always feel afraid, anxious, uncertain about everything and make a fuss  about it. That made me even worse. I can’t help nor work efficiently in group, I can’t get productive, I can’t do anything fast, I sleep a lot, any gloomy personality things, you name it. 

I was an enthusiastic child, but for some reason I turned into this negative, human shaped mass that doesn’t have any resemblance to the cute, innocent, and loving child I was. My parents spoil me quite a lot, forbid me to do risque stuff as normal parents would do, and others. The most prominent in my mind is probably how my parents never let me work out something by myself, always telling me how they do stuff and scold me if I don’t do it their way. And now, I turned into this annoyingly-ask-too-much kind of person, because I can’t try anything new with any enthusiasm. I wasn’t afraid of my parents now, but still, I always get haunted by the image of people angry at me because everything I did was wrong and must not be done. And if that happened anyways, I turned into annoyingly-apologizes-too-much kind of person. Not that I always fail doing new things, it’s just that my quirky mind sometimes do the simplest thing the most complicated way or out-of-expectations kind of way, so… well, it ruined my own self. I just have no self confidence. Rock bottom self-esteem.

I am also, have an explosive temper. Emotional. Hard-headed. Uncaring and hateful. Lazy stupid useless ass. And so much more bad things about me that I wish I don’t have. Again, I have extremely low self-esteem, so I can’t see myself in any other way. Well, maybe a thing about knowing computers and technical knowledge about random things, but that’s it. I hate myself and I hate my personality.

I wish I was more forgiving. I wish I was patient. I wish I was kind and polite. I wish I was normal. I wish my presence was something that’s desired by others. But the hard headed me, even if I try to stop doing self-destructive things, just can’t change some things. I can’t change the fact that I love freedom and absolutely loathes rules that aren’t persuasive, rules that can’t make me think of how logical and acceptable it is.

Just like religion. I can’t believe something written on a book, by random guys, only from personal memories, within a long time in between each one, as something that’s been bestowed by the almighty omnipotent god. Judging by what I‘ve seen, I just can’t think of it as any means other than to use it as something to control people to do your biddings. I don’t have anything to prove religion control people to do stuff, but there’s a lot of news about things that contradict the holy book itself, being done by the most religious people. 

Being that way….just limits my interaction with people I care about. All my friends…. looks like they’re believing in religions. I said I still follow the religion, but in fact I lost faith ages ago. I want to be someone normal and the same as them, but I just can’t stop myself prioritizing my dreamed freedom. And then, I can’t think anything truly symbolizes freedom. After that, I naturally think that I’d rather have nothing, I‘d rather   be someone or something that can’t even recognize freedom than being what I am now.

Sometimes I wish I had the Potion of Tranquility, sometimes I wish my parents didn’t ‘accidentaly’ made me (they said this in front of me when I was around five years old or so), sometimes I wish I got fatal disease and died, sometimes I also hopes that some stray soul would take over my body, or some demon would ate my soul into nothing if it exists, and many, many suicidal thoughts I think of sometimes. I desperately want to tell someone, but I…. I don’t feel I have someone who will listen and accept me for whoever I am. I can’t stop imagining that if I told anything I never told about to anyone, they would turn on me and ruin my barely happy life into worse.

Aaaaaaaanyway, if one of my friend read this, I hope you can accept me for whoever I am. I… I can’t do anything worth your while, but I hope you still will accept me. Because I know, even if I kneel, begging you to understand, if you don’t understand, then you will not understand.

In the mean time, I will gather knowledge about suicide, and maybe I will know better and somehow changed myself, or maybe when I can’t bear with it anymore, I will probably just kill my useless, lazy stupid ass self. Not that I want to kill myself, I just wanted to be gone. Brain dead. Sleep forever. Basically I wanted to lose my conciousness forever. I…. I….don’t think I have anyone who will grief even if I cease to exist. I don’t think I have anyone who will do something more that saying ‘my condolences’. Crap. I can’t think something like this without crying. Shit. I should stop. Let’s forget all of this and sleep and hope that I will never wake up again. Just like every time,… just like the wishes that I always do when I am trying to sleep every day. 

I can’t stop my mood swings. Oh my god. I was trying to kill myself this minute, and the next one I was smiling and feeling happy. And then back to it again the next minute. Shit. Shit.

Again, I wish I will not wake up ever again when I am going to sleep. Why I wished for that every night? Well, because that is what I truly wish now. Spare me the trouble of …basically anything.  

Maybe everything was a mistake. Yes.