Yes, I want to run and never go back again. I want to forget everything and start a new life. I wanted to be independent and be free in a quiet place.

But of course, I can’t do that. I can never accomplish a dream…. something as grand as that. I am useless, and can’t even do everything by myself. And what I can do, I can’t even do them properly. Always made mistake. Always there to be sworn at with every mistake.

I always felt and need to say this to myself. ‘I must be strong’. ‘I must go through all of this and chase my dream’. But even though at times it just get so much better, most of the time….it was like me running and panting so hard, chasing a train running in full-speed. It was something unachievable, even if I kept running my whole life. So why not just give up and let it go? There’s a reason it was called ‘a dream’. 

 I hate being complained at. Like my mom when she complained ‘you weren’t there when I need you to buy this and that and clean that and help me this and that’. Or ‘your father is $%#&, why is he $#*@!!’. I wish she would be a little more quiet around me… She always complained to me, yet never listen to my complain. She always do this ‘shh’ pose every time. Then when I started to ignore her, everything became even worse and more stressful than ever. I hate it. Listening to her just like giving me rocks to carry everyday. I don’t care about them so stop telling me stuff. 

Every time she asked me for help, lately I always became alert if she asked something outrageous like helping her do everything so she can watch her trashy celebrity gossip videos all day long without interruption. Also, when she didn’t ask for that I always feel alert and started to listen if after everything I’ve done, will she say something? But no, she didn’t say any thanks or anything, just demand for my help and that’s it. Sometimes also I feel like she was just used me like a tool. 

Of course, as a child I expect to be asked for help by them. But I also expect the three must-not-excluded words, the thanks, sorry, and please. She barely ever said them, and it really made me feel like I was just being used or even abused. But of course, that’s probably just my imagination. Being friends with multi-cultural people made me realise on how ridiculous my local culture feel sometimes. Like forcing the young to respect elders, even though you can’t force respect, as it can only be gained or earned naturally. You can probably force people to respect you, but it will naturally be resisted in those people’s heart. ‘Why should I respect you’? ‘Do you think I will respect someone like you?’ ‘Who are you to force us to respect you, a stranger?’. I know we should respect elders, as they have more knowledge and know better. But unfortunately, I wish for the ELDERS to act well enough to earn the young respects. I know everyone feel entitled for respect, but please, just see the mirror and and see if your actions are worthy of respect. I know I’m usually not worthy of it, but if I do help someone else that she/he can’t do himself, of course I feel I should at least somewhat be respected, even if it’s just for that little thing, just around that subject that I know better after all. 

My family often forced me to ‘just do it don’t question it’ attitude. Usually it’s about religion, which I can’t say I believe. I am different than them. I can’t do something unless I know why I should do it, logically. Why should I take a bath? To prevent myself from smelling and be avoided by others. Why should I go to school? To be educated and to compete with others to gain foothold in the future life. Why should I pray to god? To go to heaven when died and be served with seventy two angel slaves? Are you freaking kidding me. No one can prove that, and it’s not logical. Where is heaven? You take an ancient book that was written from oral saying of a person, years after it was said by him? And you take it as something as true as the law of the world? Come on. At least lie about it to make it more logically believable. But anything around religion that based on the worship of an entity is usually way too ridiculous for me to firmly believe. This world as just a simulation theory is way more believable than humans are thrown here to worship god thingy. I mean, it might seemed to be unbelievably advanced to even be able to make and run simulations as ‘The Sims’ or ‘SimCity’. Or any world or some other simulations in this case. But you never know how far, far, far, far, far more advanced the world above us is! Maybe we’re really was just a simulation running an ancient civilisation compared to their world. I mean, to imagine it clearly, Star Ocean 3 (Till the End of Time) really explains everything. Maybe there was a fourth dimensional world, with fourth dimensional beings that used our world as simulation after all. Oh well. 

If it was something like that, I really don’t think my life is worth something valuable. Hell, even with the one-god-rules-all religion, it’s unreasonable for the entity to care about a tiny, puny, insignificant human he created. Why do that entity feel the need to reward and punish every humans for their actions? They don’t know any better. I don’t know any better. They say you will be forgiven if you really didn’t know any better. But I really didn’t. I don’t know what proof there is to make me be able to believe in the religion. It’s not my fault that I don’t have the knowledge about something that isn’t there yet. If you point the holy book as a proof, are you freaking stupid? Human can make better and more believable book than that, even though it’s not as ‘holy’ as you proclaim it is. 

Back to my parents. Sometimes I feel almost like saying ‘I NEVER ASKED TO BE BORN, SO IT IS NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY’…..but can’t. Or ‘WELL MY PARENTS PERSONALITIES ARE JUST BASICALLY LIKE THAT, SO HERE WE ARE’. If I don’t blame myself for everything, I can’t stop to shove the blame onto my parents. I really wish they use some protection, to prevent the ‘accident’ me being born, as my mom said in front of me like twenty years ago. I just don’t see the reason to live, if it’s only full of pain, and there’s nothing to gain at the end. Call me materialistic or what about that, I don’t care.

Anyway, the only thing keeping me alive here is my friends that know me better than my parents know me. Of course that’s because my friends won’t scrutinise and put me down so easily. My parents and my family? Unfortunately, they did the opposite. THEY LOVE MY LIES more than me telling the truth. ‘Have you prayed yet?’ if I answered no, they would be angry and then proceed shouting continuously at me to get me to do it. If I answered yes, they would be all smile and go away. They will probably send me into regional institution or mental hospital if I told them about the queer me. They really love to coerce, even though it doesn’t work on me at all. Rather than coercing, convincing works rather well to me, I think. As long as I understand the logical reason behind it, also why I should do this something, I will most probably do it. But if I was coerced, even if I understood the logical reason after, I would naturally feel uncomfortable and will definitely avoid it. If I did it, I feel they will naturally understand that I can be manipulated by force and threats, so they proceed ahead and will do the same when they need me to do something else. Human do try to learn do something as easy as they could possibly can. Why should people try to convince me slowly and steadily, when they can just coerce me with force and threats way easier? I don’t want that. I want to stay civilised. 

I did lose control of myself, and barely avoided killing myself just a few while ago. I kept losing control, even though it’s not as strong as that one. When I do, my sisters that’s currently having vacation home, will of course be troubled heavily. So my mind kept snapping myself out of the suicidal me. After my sisters went home, I wonder if I can keep myself in check. I guess let’s see. Even the me right now really feel alright thinking about suicide. But whatever. Whatever. I will do what I wanted to do, I will do what I want to do…. Will my other self kill me? I don’t know. He really don’t know to be afraid, and bravely proceed to prepare for the suicide. When I took over, all I can do is to be afraid. 

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